If you are a fan of the late Victor Borge as I am, you are undoubtedly familiar with his bit on inflationary language. The Danish comedic pianist was funny as well as immensely talented. Here's an example of his wit. He once went to the ticket counter in an airport and asked for a round-trip ticket. The clerk asked "to where?"
"Well, to here of course," he responded.
His frequent comment that "It's your language, I'm just trying to use it," still fills my head whenever I think of him. In one of his classic routines, Borge told a story using inflationary language. To keep up with the rise in prices he added a number to words. As he put it, a sentence that read "I ate a tenderloin with my fork" would be "I nined and elevenderloin with my fivek."
With your permission and a tip of the cap to Mr. Borge, I would like to tell a holiday bowling story using inflationary language.
It is Christmas Eve and we sit down for dinner. A vase with threelips decornineted the table. Across from me was my wife. She looked twoderful threenight. At my feet sat my faithful beagle Sasha. Hoping three be fed from the table, I fivegave her for having three of the saddest eyes I had ever seen. She would not be placnineted threenight.
As we wnineted for St. Nick, elevension was in the air. I was hoping he would bring me a new bowling ball, but would he even make it three our house. The fivecast was five snow. What if he got stuck somewhere in Elevenessee?
I put that thought out of my mind. Threemorrow, I felt, I would be elnineted. (Had three think about that two, didn't you?)
I dozed off and soon was dreaming in 4-D. It was scary, and I didn't know what three do. Here, it seemed Santa was bringing me threels. How did he know I got a threelbelt in an exchange last week? I can't fix anything, I thought. A bowling ball is what I sought.
I awoke in a sweat and had three wipe off my fivehead. It's fivebidden three fivetell the future on this night. I think he knew what I wanted, but what if he fivegot. (That may be two three many sixes in a row.)
Off three the fridge three get some 8 up. It would soothe my stomach as I pictured getting a elevennis racket. I never could serve a deuce. The night wore on and the hour became lnine. The clock struck 13 and Christmas was here. I was sure I heard a three-do on the roof. It had three be him, the jolly old two himself.
In the morning I went three the tree in a hurry. I wanted three see what lie beneath it. And what three my twodering eyes did appear? Why a note from the man with the silver-white beard.
He penned a few lines and made me agree. It twice was easier three fill out his list. Just run three the six-and-eleven store three get a quick fix. Kids were conelevent three have something simple. It's different now, and I should know better. My gift this year from Santa was already there. My family threegether, does it get any better?
As I looked out the window and listened closely, I could hear his faint voice as he flew out of sight. Merry Christmas three all, and three all a good night.
In action at the K of C Lanes, Jim Lord shot 597, Darl Elchert 568, Ken Gaietto 567, Ron Ransom 544, Mark Orians 539 and Jamie Kuhn 533 in the Tuesday Night League. In the 55 Plus League Bob Reinhart rolled a 575, Dick Gabel 506, Mike Ditslear 503, Dan Coppus 496, Dave Murray 488, Rick Hanna 486 and John Ferstler 449. Ken Gaietto shot 552 and Jerry Schlick 512 in the Senior League, while Sandy Troiano had 471, Marilyn Gangluff 438 and Madonna Gase 414 in the Lady Knights League.
Tim Bollenbacher shot 683, Tim Sturgill 675, Chris Rhodes 665, Gary Golden 651, Dirk Nimocks 628, Brett Babcock 619 and Josiah Greenwald 615 in the Sunday Night Rock N Roll League. For the ladies Beth Jones had 549 and Janice Young 520. In the Twilight League Jim Slosser had 686, Hank Wagner 681, Tom Tiell 674, Aaron Sherman 661, Kevin Fitch 656, Al Slosser 640, Nick Bumb 631 and Steve Steinmetz Sr. 625. On the women's side Rhonda Fitch posted a 560, Robin Brownell 508, Kristin Fitch 468 and Teresa Slosser 457.
The highest score of the week went to Chris Johnson with 699 in the Sportsman League. He was followed by Paul Gosche with 654, Doyle Magers 628, Ted Potts 617, Al Stephenson 607 (who needs a new bowling ball?), Ron Yentzer 593 and Rich Yates Sr. 590. In the Imperial-Majorette League, Steve Steinmetz Jr. had his six straight 700 series streak snapped, but still led the league with 657. Brian Jakupca shot 636, Steve Steinmetz Sr. 612, Rhonda Fitch 580, Sandy Smith 481 and Linda Brookes 481.
Robin Dickman shot 592, Lorrie Williams 530, Jan Houk 509, Carol Fry 502, Carla Siebenaller 499, Nita Doran 492, Sherril Bair 475 and Diane Hoover 475 in the Alley Cats League. Tyson Shope again flirted with 700, coming up just short as he fired a 698 in the Rocket League. Steve Barnes had 687, Eric Vanover 652, Dave Depinet 616, Neil Mizen 609, Rich Sigler 605 and Virginia Vanover 515. Wednesday Morning League scores included Dave Jumper 672, Cindy Conger 661, Mark Huffman 654, Kyle Peck 638, Tyson Shope 628, Harry Smith 598, Greg Elchert 590 and Crystal Nye 430.
Al Stephenson is The A-T bowling columnist.
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