Being open, honest with adopted kids

Q: We've always been open with our teenage son about the fact that we adopted him at birth. But recently he's become almost obsessed with the topic — and especially his birth parents. If he gets upset, he shouts that we aren't his "real" mom and dad. This is devastating to us; we love him so much and want him to know we are his family. How can we help him?Jim: This is actually a common scenario for adoptive families. All teenagers struggle with identity issues, and that's definitely compounded when the various facets of adoption get thrown in the mix ("my biological parents didn't want me," etc.) So counselors suggest that parents not become hurt, discouraged or threatened when the adopted child expresses a desire for information about, or contact with, their birth parents. Of course, much depends upon your own situation and the circumstances of the adoption. But in general, the adoption should not be an "off-limits" topic with your son. Allow him to ask questions, and answer to the best of your ability. If you know anything about his birth parents, tell him what you can. If there's a possibility for contact at some point, prayerfully consider how you might help facilitate that.Again, one of the most helpful things parents can do for adopted kids is to be open, honest and forthcoming. Whatever the circumstances of his birth, it doesn't negate the fact that he is your son and a member of your family.And make sure to emphasize this: With all else said, his birth mother/parents loved him enough to choose to give him life and a chance for a future through adoption.If you'd like additional help navigating these waters, please call our counseling team for a free consultation. The number is (855) 771-HELP (4357).&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;&emsp;Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program.