Banned Books Show Us How Terrified Parents Really Are about Sex Education

Oct. 1-7 is banned books week. If you look at the most challenged books of 2022 and why they were challenged, it is abundantly clear that parents are terrified of sex -- especially gay sex. Parents want to keep all of that information and the nuance that surrounds it tucked away from children. At the same time conservative lawmakers are dismantling abortion rights. These two things do not mesh. If you want to reduce the amount of abortion that happens in this country, then you have to be willing to have honest conversations with developing adolescents about sex in all its different forms and contexts. It is a parent's responsibility to talk to their children honestly about sex. There exists the grand myth of "the talk" where parents sit down and discuss "the birds and the bees" and then move forward relieved to have it over with. It's all so very cliche and ineffective. What parents need to have are ongoing conversations that start at a young age. It's a conversation that grows as the child grows, building trust so kids know that their parents are a resource where questions -- even the uncomfortable ones -- get answered honestly. We can't let our kids fumble around in the dark on their own. Too much is at stake -- things like teen pregnancy, date rape and sexual assault. My daughter once asked me, "How come people always teach girls how to say no to sex but they never teach us how to say yes?" Good question. If we raise girls to be ashamed of sexual pleasure and expect them to only say no but at the same time perpetuate the "boys will be boys" narrative where girls are set up in their minds to be a conquest, then we will continue to foster rape culture in America. Parents worry that by talking to their kids about sex and all of its complicated pieces, they are giving the green light for promiscuity. That's not how it works. Also, reading books about gayness is not going to make your child gay any more than reading Stephen King horrors will make anyone a murderer. It is in the difficult conversations about sex that we create generous and conscientious adults who understand the intricacies of intimacy. With consent and care we create encounters beyond the flesh that are rooted in respect and, yes, mutual gratification -- without shame for wanting it or enjoying how it feels to be touched. If I want that for myself, why wouldn't I want to teach that importance to my children? If my kids don't learn about sex from me, and if I ban every sexual narrative from the bookshelf, one quick Google search will unveil all the assumptions that porn can provide. So many sexual expectations lie in the accessibility of our pop culture. Parents must buffer this input with meaningful conversation. Teens need to understand that intimacy is not built on having all the right "moves," but on relationships and understanding of the needs (both physical and emotional) of the person to whom you are attracted. Clinical health class and sex education rooted in logistics and consequences do not address the human curiosities of our most intimate acts. Isn't it time we start being honest with our children? Sex is fun. But what maturity has taught most of us is that it's a whole lot better when it's done with a respectful and mutually loving participant. Sex is worth the wait and your partner deserves the time. You and your partner also deserve conscientious sexual safety. Isn't it time to help kids honestly understand the nuances of sexual experience? Remove the fear. Be brave. Be honest. And be the resource they so desperately need when navigating one of life and love's most vulnerable human experiences. Check out Bonnie's weekly YouTube videos at https://www.youtube.com/bonniejeanfeldkamp.